Do you seek approval in others? Are your unmet needs making you easy prey?
25 Jul

Do you seek approval in others? Are your unmet needs making you easy prey?

Learn how to take back your inner authority, so you won’t ever feel vulnerable again.  

Did you know we only seek outside reinforcement or approval from others when we’re not ok with ourselves?  It feels like something’s missing and we think the answer is outside us.  That’s what makes us easy prey to those who are unkind and unloving.  Let’s look closer at how you can take back authority in your life by depersonalizing what people say to meet your own needs, so you won’t ever become a victim again.           

Seeking unmet needs in approval…  

Are you still bothered by unkind things that were said to you and about you in the past?  So many people live their lives from the “outside in” rather than the “inside out”.  What about you?  Do you give away your sense of worth, personal value, and significance?  Do you seek it outside yourself?  That’s what we do, you know.  We seek people’s approval to be ok, fulfilled, or to be good enough.  We put other people’s value or opinions above our own and depend on them to make us feel ok inside.  This is because we have unmet needs that we expect others to fill.  This is what makes us vulnerable to the outside world.  As a result, we end up chasing relationships and things on the outside because that’s what we’ve always done.  We’ve learned to get a quick fix or fulfillment from the outside and continue to depend on it, not realizing it’s temporary.  Fleeting as it might be, it still feels good…So much so, that we become conditioned to these extreme highs & lows.  In essence, we’re using the outside world to bring us moments of satisfaction only to be disappointed and in pain as well as angry when it goes away.  Know that when you bargain for the highs, you’re also bargaining for the lows as well.  That’s part of the deal.    

Trading for unmet needs…

Today, we’re in such a habit of depending on others and things to complete us or to fill our needs, we become attached and dependent.  We get used to trading our unmet needs back and forth for fulfillment rather than learning what we need and how we can fill our own needs.  The way we often behave in special relationships is an example of this habit of trading for approval.  Our love relationships turn into transactions with bargains or deals we don’t even remember making.  Does this sound familiar?  In fact, we go even further by trading guilt back and forth to get what we want.  In the end, the most important question is whether the cost of these transactions, in what we’re giving up, is worth it.  We may be paying a heavy price by placing such a huge value on using relationships or things to fill our needs…especially when this outside solution only produces a temporary satisfaction that won’t last.  In this uncertain and impermanent world, know that we must be rooted deep inside ourselves to experience permanent fulfillment.     

It’s also important to note that when these special relationships don’t “make” us feel good enough, we end up blaming them.     

Interesting, right?  We entered the relationship with a hole in us, of an unmet need we wanted to fill.  We took this unmet need into the relationship and expected it to disappear or be filled by the other person.  The truth is when we look to others or things and expect them to fix us or complete us, it’s not going to turn out well.  Seeking approval or our unmet needs outside ourselves is never the answer.  So, don’t make other people responsible for your well-being.  It doesn’t work.   

Instead, don’t trade away what belongs only to you

You won’t ever find true stability outside yourself or in someone else.  I can tell you with great confidence that you won’t find true inner peace, fulfillment, love, nor joy in others or things outside yourself.  I’ve spent most of my life chasing it and even when I got what I was chasing, it never lasted.  What I thought I needed on the outside was on the inside, all along.  True fulfillment only comes from deep inside and flows out, because that’s where unconditional love and peace reside.  So, if you want your inner peace to never be threatened again, start taking back your authority today.     

Get to know yourself, so you don’t keep falling in the hole…   

When you learn to recognize what’s going on in your head, you can make better choices regarding whether to allow the intruding thoughts like taking things personally or not getting someone’s approval.  You can learn to ignore the voice of fear and doubt, so it will dissolve with practice.  Remember, you only allow what people say in if you believe it, value it, & want something in return.  Beliefs are just beliefs; not the truth.  We all have false and limiting beliefs we need to change for our own well-being.  We created our beliefs, so we can change them too.  This is just one of many thoughts that aren’t helpful.  Remember, you are the one that determines how much you value what’s said or what is significant to you. 

Your own personal approval is what’s most important. 

When we give away our personal power by not believing in ourselves, we end up the victim.  What’s worse, the more we’re invested in what was said, the more it matters to us; the more it matters, the more we make ourselves weak and vulnerable.  Do you really want to trust someone so much that you allow them to tell you who you are or even influence how much you value yourself?  That’s serious business.  That’s also why most people aren’t ok inside; they don’t know who they are nor their value, and they leave it up to others.  It’s your responsibility to take care of yourself and to meet your own unmet needs.  It’s never a good idea to make other people responsible for what belongs to you.  So, take the time to get to know who you are, and all the rest will naturally fall into place.              

So, next time you’re tempted to personalize a situation, know it’s not a threat. 

Don’t take it so seriously.  Turn your attention back onto yourself and stay rooted there.  Neutralize your thoughts before they take you over by going into a deep conscious breath.  In this way, you can break the stream of thought by quieting your mind.  Create distance by observing it as a life situation and not your life.  You can take your rightful authority over it by allowing it to be what it is.  Experience what you’re feeling in your body, open your heart, relax, & release it.  This practice will help you to become familiar with what you’re feeling so you can make friends with it rather than resisting.  Next time you will be able to recognize it easier and quicker.   

Commit daily to doing your inner work of self inquiry. 

Don’t let others determine your emotional well-being.  Instead, regularly check in with yourself to build an inner sense of self that’s needed for personal stability, freedom, and inner peace.  Start by asking yourself what you’re thinking, feeling, needing, and how you can get it in a healthy way.  You need to be aware of your thoughts, emotions, and unmet needs, so you can take care of yourself.  Keep practicing staying in the present moment.  Remember, you’re in charge.  So, don’t make deals anymore.  Just let it go.                 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this blog. Please share it with someone else. It may be exactly what they need to hear to be free too. Come back for next month’s blog and…

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About the Author – Trina Carroll-Houk is a spiritual teacher, counselor, and founder of Breaking Free Boundaries, LLC who specializes in self-awareness, mindfulness, and the spiritual dimension of being. Her goal is to help people improve their quality of life so they can experience inner peace, meaningful purpose, and fulfillment. Trina represents a movement focused on helping people release what limits them from transforming into awakened beings with a higher sense of spiritual consciousness.

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“Breaking Free from the Ego: A Course in Finding and Freeing Yourself”

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