Too many of us are in a habit of not telling the truth for fear of rejection, so we say yes when we really want or need to say no. No one gains when we don’t tell the truth. Our yes’s should be yes’s and our no’s should be no’s. When we say yes, when it’s really no, we lose, others lose, and the world loses. This is how we hide our true self and end up on someone else’s path.
At every age, people seem to be stressed and overwhelmed. They struggle with everything from healthy personal boundaries to their personal identity. We’re afraid to say no to what’s not ok, yet we become resentful and overwhelmed when we don’t. Have you ever given away what you didn’t have to give? If so, you know exactly how it feels. Telling someone you’ll do something when you don’t want to only brings resentment that destroys relationships. No one benefits from us not telling the truth nor do they benefit from our feelings of fear, obligation, or guilt.
As human beings, we all just want love and belonging. As a result, we end up saying yes, but it’s not the truth. We’re all doing the best we can at our own level of growth. No one can live beyond their current level of growth. We don’t know what we don’t know. That’s why authority over our lives is such an important component to building a healthy identity to move beyond our limitations.
Remember, when we don’t tell the truth it means we want something in return…because we don’t know how to give it to ourselves. We need clear and healthy boundaries to live our lives with integrity. Otherwise, we find ourselves chasing our unmet needs in others or things and our relationships turn into transactions. Loving relationships aren’t supposed to be transactions to fill our unmet needs. No one can get what they really want outside themselves. It will never work because what we’re looking for is inside. That’s also why it’s important to use the tools that make boundaries a healthy part of who we are.
When we tell the truth, we don’t need boundaries. Thus, we’re naturally taking care of ourselves and not trading for what we want. Boundaries unite us because when we’re honest, the need for them goes away. Yet, today we aren’t comfortable setting them for fear they’ll divide us. Instead, we lie about our truth and as a result, we end up getting the very thing we don’t want. We let others take advantage of us, because we want something from them…maybe approval, love, or attention. When we don’t get what we want, we blame them for our insecurities. In the end, we resent them for what we allowed…and we wonder what happened.
When was the last time you said yes but needed or wanted to say no? I challenge you to consider answering the following questions to explore and gain insight into how you might maintain your true identity and integrity, as well as your own personal path and purpose.
When you say yes and need or want to say no, what are you avoiding?
Which do you: feel, think, or fear…
guilt, sadness, selfishness, overwhelmed, control, disapproval, shame, scared, vulnerable, isolation, rejection, blame, not loved, stressed, judgment, abandonment, fear, abuse, conflict, unhappiness, other.
What do you want or need when you say yes, rather than no?
What might you not want to happen?
What do you believe that holds you back from speaking your truth?
As a result of saying yes, what do you end up doing?
What do you wish you could change?
Saying yes, when we need to say no is the result of believing false beliefs. Know that you’re living by false beliefs that aren’t serving you well and will only hold you back. Be patient with yourself as you make changes in your life. It takes time to change a habit.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this blog. Please share it with a friend. It may be exactly what they need to hear. Don’t forget to read my upcoming blog.
About the author – Trina Carroll-Houk is a spiritual teacher & counselor who specializes in self-awareness and mindfulness. She teaches her clients how to gain authority over their lives by recognizing, neutralizing, and moving beyond the ego voice of doubt that creates negative thoughts, challenging emotions, & reactive behavior that holds them back from living an authentic, peaceful and fulfilling life. Trina has a private practice in Largo, Florida where she offers individual and group sessions.